Defeated

The ramblings of a tired mama...

This mama is tired. 

Exhausted to the bone some days. 

She doesn't sleep well and her mind never stops. 

But, like most, she treks on. 

Continues to do what needs to be done. 

Because what are the other options?

Falling apart is definitely not going to help. 

I have to be strong for my family and my son, especially. 

BUT I realized I am allowed to fall apart sometimes. I am allowed to feel what I feel. I am allowed to take a minute to cry, scream, be frustrated, or just be. 

If I don't get those moments everyone feels it. Everyone gets let down and everyone has a bad day. 

Believe me it has occurred often in our house, but less and less these days. I don't know if it's because I'm trying to give myself more grace or slowly coming to terms that this is our 'norm'. 

The amount of times that I have felt just absolutely defeated over the last year are probably more days than I've felt 'good'. 

Henry is difficult. He is a 17 month old newborn. That is the easiest way to describe him and one I use often. He's a newborn. He doesn't have muscle control, he can't 'do' anything, and his communication is crying. The only addition is that he does eat puree foods, so he's isn't stuck on the bottle or tube fed. 

But you expect your child to be rolling over, grabbing things, exploring, mimicking, learning... and that's just not Henry. 

He has yet to hit any type of milestone in development, other than eating, but even that is still just puree's. He has 5 therapies a week and is exhausted most days from just being Henry. 

He's cranky, a lot. I'm pretty sure he cried all the time till at least a year old. He constantly wanted to be held and when you have to hold him fully supported it makes it really difficult to do anything. You learn to do a lot one handed as a mom, this is even more extra. His ability to just be content is like zero. You cannot just have him sit in his chair or put something in front of him and be completely content. So, you are constantly trying to appease him. Keep him calm. Whether that's just holding him and walking around, taking to him, singing, playing a toy, anything. But that gets exhausting! And doesn't always work. He can flip like a switch. Literally smiling and so happy and the next second he is screaming. And I have no idea why...

One thing Henry's always been really good at, is sleeping. The kid can sleep!!! He would sleep all night and all day. For months, we said 'Saturday's are for the sleeps' because he would be absolutely exhausted from being at daycare during the week and sleep all day Saturday, only being awake to eat. No joke. He was averaging around 18 hours of sleep a day. Sometimes more. Even at school, he seemed to sleep a lot. And then about a year old, he regressed a bit, I guess. He still sleeps great at night. Solid 11-12ish hours still, but during the day, he's not napping. I've laid him in his bed and he'll 'talk' and squawk and make all kinds of noises and just not sleep! He'll fall asleep on me and I go to lay him down and he's is wide awake and smiling. 

This might not be the worst if I had ways to distract him, entertain him, keep his interest, but because he can't physically do much, let alone see, it makes it so hard to just be with him all day and him not freak out and cry all the time. He's better yes and they'll be a whole post on that, but it's still so hard. 

I am exhausted on the weekends because there is only so much we can do. I can't just sit him in front of the TV or a specific toy. I can't put him on the floor to crawl around and explore. I can't interact with him like you would intuitively do with a child. He loves being outside, but when it's 90 degrees or raining, our options are pretty limited. 

So, the days are long. Really long. It's constantly having to 'do'. It's always trying to figure out what he needs or wants. What is wrong. It's being 'on' all the time. 

You learn that mom's blame the fussiness on so many things and I find myself doing that for him. It's teething. He's growing. He's tired. He's hungry. And while yes, those things are true and legit reasons he might be extra fussy at times, that's about my extent of knowledge as to why my kid is unhappy. He can't point to something hurting or tell me he's thirsty or hungry or bored. I just have to know by the cry or guess. And that gets really tiring. At this age, he should be able to tell me more of what he wants and needs. 

And some days, most, it just wears on me. I get down on myself for not knowing exactly what he needs all the time. I get frustrated with him and then frustrated with myself for getting frustrated with him. He doesn't know any better. He trying his best to communicate with me. He's a baby. And at the end of the day I sit and beat myself up for not doing better. And wow that is not a good feeling. 

I want my baby to be happy. I want to be able to get him what he needs. I want to enjoy all the moments. And I'm here to be really honest, I don't. And I know every parent can relate to that. It's not supposed to be all rainbows and butterflies. I get that. It's just hard. I find myself taking multiple deep breaths in a day and just feeling like I'm not doing enough. Like I'm not being the best mom. Like I just don't know what else to do. 

And I battle with needing my own time to regroup and recharge. There isn't time. And that's something I am trying to work on. Prioritizing some time to myself for my own sanity and self-care. I can't take care of everyone if I am not taking care of myself, but then the cycle of feeling selfish for doing something for me  spins widely out of control. And then we're back to feeling defeated on a whole different level. 

AHH the joys of motherhood :) I wouldn't change it. I know Henry is here for a reason. He is the way he is for a reason. I am being tested. I am being challenged. And I want to succeed. I want to make sure that I do whatever I can to help Henry be all that he can be. Whatever that looks like. I know I need to step back and redefine my life, my goals, and my expectations. And I know it will get better. But right now, it's hard. And some days it's survival. 

All this to say, there are days I just feel defeated. That's the only word that really makes sense right now. I just feel like I'm at the end of a shredding rope and I'm struggling to keep the pieces together. 

I love Henry more than I could ever describe. I know all parents can understand that, but days are hard, moments are hard and all the things I thought I'd be enjoying and praising and celebrating in are not there and may never be there. I've had to change my whole perspective on what my expectations are for him and what I'm doing to help him grow. 

I'm still learning to let go of things that don't get done because Henry's being Henry and needs more attention that day. I'm still learning to embrace what is going on more and cherish these moments we do have. Loving that I still get all the baby snuggles and can watch him grow in a way I never thought I would. It's so hard though. I have good and bad days. I watch my two perfectly healthy step kids thriving, my two nephews living it up, my friends with kids who are perfect and it does put wonder and doubt in your mind. It's heartbreaking to not be able to have that of my own and then the guilt and defeat comes back again. It's an endless cycle of struggle. And I'm working on it. I'm trying my best to get through it and I know there will always be good and bad days, but I'm working hard towards more good than bad.  I'm blessed to have Henry and I have a feeling he is going to teach me so much. He already has...